It’s not often I can write this, but…
I scooped the New York Times. By two and a half years.
As Mike D, Ad-Rock, and MCA might put it:
“Ch-Check It Out” (Paragraphs 6 and 7 provide the relevant statistics, but read the whole thing for context.) That’s it for now, I’m off to enjoy a family BBQ and then headed downtown for some quality time with old friends. Have a good weekend, kids…
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iTunes Info: The Decemberists – Sons & Daughters
My newest Collegian article, published May 7, 2007:
Every time I turn on the news, I become rather nauseous at the mention of the war against religious fundamentalists in the Middle East or Afghanistan. In the wake of the 700,000-person protest against religious government in Turkey last week, it becomes even clearer that Americans are deluding themselves. The fact of the matter is, the media and many members of the Bush cabal are relying upon rhetoric to frame the issue in that manner. The uncomfortable truth is that a true war against religious fundamentalists would also have to require quite a few changes in the United States. Just look at the way this country treats sex, for instance, a subject with which most other democratic countries are quite comfortable.
Among many other wrongly imprisoned people in this country, there is a 19-year-old former honors student serving a minimum 10-year prison sentence in Georgia. Genarlow Wilson’s heinous crime was engaging in consensual oral sex with a schoolmate. Thanks to an illogical set of laws, a stunningly overzealous prosecutor and a lazy and/or inept State Senate, the young man is sitting in prison rather than a college classroom for a “crime” many people have committed. Need more evidence? How about that, despite the fact the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled similar state laws unconstitutional, sodomy is defined as an “unnatural carnal act,” by the U.S. military, and offenders are subject to court-martials.
Many misguided parents and teachers attempt to suppress any mention in class of families led by same-sex parents, but that is hardly the only problem in public education. From 2000-2005, the Bush administration provided almost $900 million to support “abstinence-only education,” despite the fact that according to Congressional analysis, these programs teach “that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, that half the gay male teenagers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus and that touching a person’s genitals ‘can result in pregnancy.’” As if the misinformation was not bad enough, the programs simply do not work: numerous studies have shown that students who take abstinence-only classes are just as likely to become sexually active as their classmates who do not take these sexual education classes.
The common thread connecting all of these stories is clear as day: Americans are afraid of sex, afraid of homosexuals, afraid to acknowledge the fact that Americans are having sex and seek to demonize and criminalize any act other than sex between a married straight couple attempting to conceive a child. Such viewpoints and laws can be attributed to religious zealots who would seek to legislate and prevent individuals from choosing to engage in actions that the fanatics feel violate some tenet of their religion.
Such zealotry also extends to one of the hottest issues in America today: abortion. Recently, the conservative-dominated Supreme Court voted to make illegal so-called “partial-birth abortions” even if the health or life of the prospective mother is in jeopardy. Where to begin? How about with the term: “partial birth abortion?” It is not accurate, and was coined by religious pro-life devotees, not doctors. In fact, doctors – the people who would be professionally familiar with the procedure – refer to it as “intact dilation and extraction.” In such a case, whose thinking and terminology would you be more likely to respect? A medical doctor or someone who makes up names for medical procedures? And yet, such junk science is respected by many in the United States.
This misleading is a deliberate attempt by pro-lifers to conjure up gruesome images in an attempt to bend others to their will. Such a tactic is designed to shame others into joining up with religiously-sponsored legislation, which goes entirely against the idea of separation of church and state. Further proving the idea that religious fundamentalism rules the day in the U.S. is a simple examination of any map showing the countries in which legislation intrudes upon a woman’s body. Many of the countries on such a map are to be found in the Middle East and Africa, both of which are frequently shown in the U.S. media to be hotspots for religious indoctrination and religious warfare.
That’s the hook, right there. The U.S. is governed, both by the citizenry and the politicians they elect, in a manner more befitting the “religious fundamentalists” we are apparently at war with than in a way that would be recognized by either the original founders of the U.S. or the populace of many of the countries we attempt to identify with around the world. The ideology of these folks that seek to demonize individual-free choice was best encapsulated by George W. Bush, who once famously said: “You’re either with us or against us.”
Legitimate debate is stifled and silenced. Such tactics are the trademark of not those who believe in democracy, but of despots like Hitler, Stalin and, for that matter, Darth Vader, who once said: “If you’re not with me, you’re my enemy.” Such a philosophy is truly a sign of overbearing fundamentalism, and it is all too often put into practice in modern-day America. Anakin Skywalker managed to redeem himself in the end, whereas it will be difficult for America to overcome such hatred and small-mindedness.
Hope you enjoyed it…have a good night, friends…
My latest article for the Daily Collegian, published in wake of the Virginia Tech tragedy.
Now is a critical juncture in history, a time when American people and politicians have an opportunity and a duty to end further bloodshed by banning semi-automatic handguns. Any lesser response would be an insult to those whose deaths can at least be partially blamed on lax gun laws, including those who died last week at Virginia Tech.
In seeking change, we should not bow to those who will condemn us for “attempting to create policy out of tragedy.” That is a morally reprehensible and intellectually indefensible argument, designed to stifle the legitimate actions of those who would seek to end the cycle of violence. It is a pathetic attempt by pro-gun lobbyists to protect their own twisted logic from inevitable defeat at the hands of common sense. The arguments of those who seek the free distribution of such weapons are as hollow as the emptiness that can be found in the hearts of 33 sets of families and friends.
The first justification for refusing to control the distribution of these weapons is: “Guns do not kill people, people kill people.” That is pure tripe. People and guns together kill people. Technically, bullets kill people. Guns do not aim or fire themselves. It is true that people can kill people without guns. However, guns – particularly, semiautomatic guns – enable people to kill prolifically. Show me a person who can kill 32 people in one day without the use of an automated weapon and I’ll show you the words “Marvel Comics” somewhere nearby.
Many people will cry out that law abiding gun owners are the natural opposition to those who would commit acts of violence with an illegally registered weapon. Those people are certifiably incorrect. In fact, according to a recent Harvard study done by University of Sydney professor Philip Alpers, of the 14 deadliest mass shootings committed in wealthy nations in the period between 1966 and 2002, 79 percent of the victims were shot with legally owned guns, and 86 percent of the perpetrators were registered gun owners.
The problem is that once you give someone a gun, there is no way on Earth to regulate what he or she does with it. In a country like America, where millions have voted (twice) to elect a man who attempts to solve his problems with assault rifles and smart bombs, it is quite clear that some of the populace is far too bloodthirsty for us to expect anything other than that passing out more guns would lead to more bloodshed. We cannot cut out the person, but we can cut out the guns.
Of course, in order to do so, we would have to put up with whining about the Second Amendment. In its entirety, the Second Amendment reads: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” That was written at a time when the standing army had been disbanded because people did not trust the power it would give to whoever controlled the armed forces (looks like they were onto something). Militias were essential because the peace with the British and other countries was fragile, at best.
However, since then, we have raised a standing army, and in addition, have created the Marines, the Air Force, the Navy, the Coast Guard and the Reserves. Combined, there are about three million brave women and men protecting the security of a free state. The entire climate has changed; there is no need for militias, not even in the least. The Constitution was intentionally crafted to be flexible so that lawmakers could change it according to the needs of society. In fact, we’ve done so before – 27 times.
As we consider changing it again, it would be instructive to examine what has happened to another country, much like ours, that recently banned handguns. They did so despite cries from many that stricter gun control laws wouldn’t prevent crime because “bad guys” would get and use guns anyhow. In 1997, Great Britain passed the Firearms (Amendment) Acts which banned the possession of handguns. Several years later, the results were dramatically clear. An annual report released by the Home Office showed that for the year 2005-2006, there were only 50 homicides involving firearms in the entire country. According to the United States government, for the year 2004, there were 11,334 murders involving firearms (mostly handguns) in this country. Granted, the U.S. population is roughly five times greater than that of Britain, but had roughly 227 times as many handgun murders in one year. Anyone who suggests that such a disparity is merely a coincidence is living in a dream world.
The time has come to ban automatic handguns in the U.S. There is quite simply no purpose for a gun that can fire massive amounts of bullets in a short span of time other than to intimidate, maim, or kill. If some wish to kill animals with a rifle, or to defend their home with a shotgun, then that is their prerogative. Automatic weapons are simply an abominable creation that must be criminalized before they are again used to end promising young lives.
My latest Collegian article:
Despite spending more than $404,800,000,000 on an immoral and foolish war in Iraq, the United States remains both very rich and very smart. It is widely believed that the United States spent over $300,000,000,000 on research and development last year. Since they began handing them out in 1901, Americans, including UMass professor Craig Mello, have been awarded the Nobel Prize far more than any other nationality. The only country with more institutions of higher learning than the United States is India, and they have roughly four times as many people. Clearly, the United States of America is the most intellectual country on earth. So how is it possible that the rest of the world is laughing at us when it comes to science?
The answer, I fear, comes from something else the United States produces more of than any other country on earth – Christians. I happen to be Roman Catholic, and I know plenty of Christians; I’m pretty sure most everyone reading this article might know one or two, as well. This is certainly no anti-Christian diatribe; I am very proud of my faith, and I would never attack the tenets of another religion.
However, religion can become a problem when it stands in the way of advancement. I am not speaking of social progress; any consistent reader is familiar with my thoughts on gay marriage, stem cell research, and other social matters. I am speaking, instead, of scientific advancement. Schools are teaching that evolution is, at best, an opinion, when in the eyes of scientists everywhere it is a proven theory and accepted as fact. The Chairman of the House Appropriations Committee in Texas, Warren Chisum, has proposed that the Earth is truly the center of the galaxy, and that the sun revolves around our planet; furthermore, he has suggested that the alternative view is propagated by anti-Christian forces.
The problem with this reasoning is that science and faith are completely antithetical. Science is based upon facts, and faith is based upon conviction in the unknown. When one considers that dichotomy, it is hardly surprising that scientists come from all faiths. An award winning professor from Brown University, Kenneth Miller, came to this campus last year to speak on the eminent ridiculousness of intelligent design. He also happens to say the “Lord’s Prayer” every Sunday in church. He is hardly alone in his pro-evolution, pro-God beliefs: Pope John Paul II officially endorsed evolution.
How about that anti-Christian conspiracy about the sun? Texas may be a hotbed of uneducated, naïve politicians, but a little research goes a long way. Copernicus, the man widely credited with disseminating the theory that the sun is at the center of galaxy, not only attended Mass, he said them: he was a member of the Catholic clergy. So, despite a surplus of dissent within the religious ranks, according to author Sam Harris, a recent Gallup poll shows that almost 120,000,000 Americans still believe that the creation of the Earth took place 2,500 years after the Sumerians invented beer. I may enjoy an occasional beverage at the Moan and Dove, but you could never get me drunk enough to believe in such nonsense.
So, why, exactly, do Christians refuse to accept evolution and the centricity of the sun? It would seem that one of the Seven Deadly Sins, pride, is to blame. Christian dogma teaches that Christians, and for that matter, humanity in general, are God’s chosen creatures. Reconciling that belief with the idea that we crawled out of the mud on a planet far removed from the center of the galaxy in some sort of cosmic joke is rather difficult, indeed.
Nonetheless, it is clearly far from impossible. Miller, Copernicus, and Pope John Paul II have all managed to balance their belief in God with an appreciation for scientific fact. Now, I would posit that all three of those men are smarter than me, and for that matter, smarter than just about anybody on Earth right now. However, that does not mean that we cannot follow in their footsteps. Historians, theologians, and others hold many different beliefs about Jesus. However, one thing that everyone agrees upon is that Jesus was a teacher. As far as I am aware, Jesus never assigned a five-hundred word essay on why evolution is a myth. It is difficult to imagine that any teacher would appreciate his/her students wallowing in willful ignorance. Regardless of the depth of one’s religious convictions, it is foolish and harmful to ignorantly cling to myths that have been disproved over and over. One of the fundamental measures of civilization’s progress is scientific accomplishment, and if the misunderstood lessons of Christianity continue to dominate in the United States, it seems certain that the legacy of this country will be that of an uneducated bully.
I only post this because it relates to my Collegian article for this week, and because it is a conversation no one is really having. What does this say that this happens at least once a month somewhere?
Its Friday night. I’m waiting for everyone to get back from town so that plans can take shape. In the meantime, I’m watching the Red Sox, having a high quality beverage or two, and generally, being restless and bored. Restless about life. Bored with my night. So I didn’t hear about IPO today. Apparently they are still checking references and such today. I prefer to think they are just taking their time to find the right candidate, and hopefully that candidate will be me.
Tonight needs to be a good night, as well. I am on duty tomorrow night, so there wont be much fun had except for tonight. Let us hope it lives up to expectations. I also need to write a paper this weekend for English 348. I have no idea what to write-any ideas? At least it only needs to be 5 pages.
So this run of beautiful weather seems to be ending as the rain comes down outside. According to my handy little Mozilla Forecaster Extension, its gonna be rainy all weekend. What crap. But, for the most part, I cant complain too much about the weather conditions. I just hope it gets back to good sooner rather than later.
Lots of good feedback over my latest article. Apparently, you tackle a serious issue and people actually start reading. Maybe my snide comments and witty observations should be a thing of the past. Nah…
Work on the Europe website is progressing nicely. For those of you who dont know (which is about everyone short of one or two of you) I am working on a new bloggy type site for when I go to Europe. It’ll work in addition to emails home to tell everybody whats going on. It will be much more effective for showing pictures and other things off to a wide audience. However, Im not entirely happy with the format yet, so you dont get to see it yet. When I am happy, you will know. And you will be able to see it. And you will be amazed. I hope.
Alright, thats about it for now, I do suppose. Not a whole lot else to speak of. Expect more later this weekend. Bye for now.
My next Collegian article, to be published Tuesday, April 19th.
I happen to be a Massachusetts resident born in Boston. Such an upbringing certainly has many benefits, such as being born in a cradle of education and making me the rabid supporter of two world champion teams. However, it also has some serious drawbacks. For one, the rest of the country hates us. If you ask some, we are snobs. I just prefer to think that we’re better than other states in some ways, and that we know it. One of these ways, unquestionably in my mind, is that Massachusetts allows for gay marriage. Full disclosure time: I am a white, Roman Catholic, moderate, straight male. Thus, I may come across as a fairly unlikely advocate of gay marriage. However, I find it entirely detestable that gay marriage is not recognized across the United States.
Many religious leaders seem to be coming out against gay marriage because it goes against the traditional definition of marriage being a “relationship between a male and female.” Now, I’m neither a theological scholar nor am I next in line to become the Pope. However, I did attend CCD for the whole ten years, and my Father was a Master Catechist, so I feel somewhat qualified to comment on this whole line of reasoning. As far as I recall, Jesus Christ stood for universal love and tolerance. Remember that whole being crucified thing? One of the last things he asked of his father (you know, God) was that He would forgive those who had betrayed and condemned him. Sounds like a guy who’s all for love and acceptance. Doesn’t quite sound like a fellow who would condemn two people for loving each other, regardless of their gender. Last time I looked, fellow deities such as Buddha and Brahma also stressed the importance of love and understanding, and they weren’t picky about whom they allowed into their circle of acceptance.
Many claim that gay marriage threatens the “family values” of the typical straight nuclear family. All those homosexual families moving in next door would surely start riots, turn straight children gay, and destroy marriages! Turns out, it doesn’t seem it has worked out that way. Denmark has allowed for gay marriage since 1989, and believe it or not, is still standing-the gay married couples apparently forgot to bring the Apocalypse back with them from their honeymoons. To borrow from Shakespeare: Nothing “…is rotten in the state of Denmark.” Let’s bring it closer to home – good old Massachusetts. Surely the state that allows for gay marriage must be a den of moral depravity whose citizens spit on the sanctity of marriage, right? Actually, that’s a bit of a stretch of the truth. In fact, Massachusetts has the lowest rate of divorce for heterosexual couples among any of the 50 states. How about those other states that cry out about the importance of marriage? The Associated Press, using data from the US Census Bureau, determined that the highest divorce rates are actually found in the Bible Belt. The AP article asserts that: “The divorce rates in these conservative states are roughly 50 percent above the national average.” So much for the importance of holding a family together, y’all.
So, the arguments against gay marriage are about as reliable as Mariano Rivera. Churches are pushing a particular point while ignoring the overarching themes of the teachings of their spiritual leaders. In a world filled with so much hatred, war, and moral decay, shouldn’t those who preach compassionate understanding accept loving relationships in all their forms? As for those who decry gay marriage as a threat to the stability of American married culture; well, clean up your own closets before you go looking for trouble elsewhere. I might be too young for it, but I seem to recall studying an era where people clashed over what sort of rights people different from them should have. There was much debate, but in the end, legislation was passed that made all people equal in the eyes of the law. Turns out the Civil Rights Act of 1964 worked out pretty well, huh? 40 years from now, I have no doubts that the era banning gay marriage will be seen as shameful as the era of refusing to serve a black man at a lunch counter.
A person is always entitled to his/her opinion, or else editorial columnists like myself wouldn’t be getting paid the big bucks. I just wonder why people are so intent on restricting their recognition of a beautiful thing to a narrow definition. Don’t be afraid to recognize the unique wonder of lifelong ardor as expressed through marriage in all of its forms; the world is lacking love sorely right now. On that note, I’d like to wish happy spring and summer weddings to all of my friends, both gay and straight.
My lastest article in the Daily Collegian, published on April 4, 2005:
“Fantasy Baseball and a Reality Check”
So there I was, hunched over my computer making my picks. The annual fantasy baseball draft wars had begun, and I had fired the first warning shot by drafting aggressively. This game seems to be the next best thing to actually being Theo Epstein, so it will have to do for now. I’m pleased with my team, but any and all trades will be considered.
As I was drafting, I caught another CNN report about all the people keeping vigil outside of the building where Terri Schiavo was slowly dying. I thought to myself, either Terri has the largest extended family I’d ever seen, or many of these people weren’t actually related or even acquaintances of the poor woman. Once the obligatory interviews montage occurred, it became obvious that none of them was, in fact, even remotely personally familiar with Terri. They were all either curious bystanders, protestors or desperate to appear on television.
I remember the same phenomenon at the Scott Peterson trial. There were thousands of people milling about the outside of the courthouse, seemingly at all hours of the day, just waiting for something to happen. Whenever the prosecution made big progress, a frat party atmosphere broke out. Whenever it seemed like Peterson might be leaving court a free man, the scene turned to a somber vigil. Whenever people were interviewed, it often seemed as though they condemned Scott Peterson and grieved as if they themselves had lost a family member. This seems wholly inappropriate to me.
This vicarious lifestyle demonstrated by all the spectators is enormously disturbing. Big court cases often seem to attract hordes of people who have become ‘emotionally invested’ with some figure in the case. Don’t these people have jobs, friends and family of their own? Why must they pour so much of themselves into someone they have never met? When they go home at the end of a long day of praying or protesting for someone they are ‘passionate’ about, do they have anything left to give to those people who actually know and care for them?
This seems like a waste of a day, to get involved in something that doesn’t really involve you. Instead, why aren’t these people picnicking in the park or taking in a baseball game? I do understand that some may justify their involvement by arguing that they wish to take a stand on a particular issue. In that case, why aren’t these crusaders taking part in vigils for thousands of other people who are on life support, and why aren’t they standing outside the thousands of courts where lesser-known people are being tried for crimes as serious as those for which Scott Peterson was convicted?
The answer seems simple. Americans would rather take part in something that the media chooses to glorify than to just be happy living their own lives. Being on the six o’clock news seems to validate for many that they were part of something exciting. This perverted vicarious living is hardly limited to those who stand outside of courthouses and hospitals hoping to blab on about their point of view.
Reality T.V., where people watch other people doing what they wish they could do, is all the rage. Fantasy baseball, which I, in the fine tradition of journalistic disclosure, have mentioned I participate in, is one of the fastest growing leisure industries in the country. (I excuse myself by reasoning that it takes one-half hour per week, not weeks at a time.) Don’t even get me started on the parents who seem to take more pride in their child’s athletic, academic or other accomplishments than does the child him/herself. If I hear one more story about parents cheating for their kids, or yelling at a ref, I think I’ll gag.
Why do we all insist on continually trying out other people’s lives by inserting ourselves without much in the way of permission? We need to stop focusing on and ingratiating ourselves into other people’s lives. Your life may not be broadcast on CNN every day, but that doesn’t mean it’s not without value and not exciting. In fact, I’m fairly sure that your friends are doing something exciting right about … now.
So put down this newspaper (as soon as you read my snappy conclusion, that is), and go out and live your own life, avoiding what are properly the concerns of others. Play some Frisbee or tan on Southwest Beach and count the blessings of each and every peaceful day you aren’t on network news. I’m willing to bet Terri would much rather be anonymous right now, don’t you? Enjoy the spring weather, UMass; I’ll see you out there as soon as I finish negotiating this blockbuster trade.”
My newest Daily Collegian article, to be published on March 21, 2005 (my birthday)
“Golden Bodies Versus the Golden Rule”
March is notable for three things: Saint Patrick’s Day, my birthday (it’s today,) and spring break, the ultimate excuse to party or just bum around. Some of you spent the spring break with sun, beer, and bikinis. I spent my spring break with fluorescent lights, apple juice, and galoshes. Some of you no doubt found new love, or at least love, in the tropics. If I found new love, I’d be seated in court next to Michael Jackson right now.
You see, I spent the week substitute teaching. I worked in an elementary school and a middle school, and neither was a piece of cake. Kids seem to be getting rowdier each year. And yet, I’d argue I had a better experience last week than all you bronzed party animals. That’s because in between the flying applesauce cups and the kicked shins, those kids showed off a lot of wisdom and the sort of polite behavior we all wish we saw at UMass. In fact, I think that college students could learn a thing or two from the next generation that would improve everyday college life.
College students have somehow forgotten that using a friend to tell that cute girl or boy how you feel is far superior a method than doing it yourself. Call me a coward, but waiting that second or two for a response is horrifying. Every possible humiliating outcome races through your head in the time it takes for him or her to figure out what he/she might be doing Saturday afternoon. It’s as bad as those few seconds sitting in the dentist’s chair waiting to see which pick or drill he’ll pick up to torture you with first. I’d much rather tell a friend to go in with the message, then idly live my life not knowing when the big conversation will go down, and thus not worrying about the moment of truth. Ignorance is bliss.
Middle schoolers, in particular, have also exploited a sweet gap in the “what they know versus what other people think they know” spectrum. Teachers seem to assume that kids aged 11-14 seem to be completely ignorant of the world around them, and thus, they don’t give them much work. In reality, they know what weed, 40’s, and sex are all about. (In fact, I got asked several times about all of them. For those of you worrying about my contribution to teenage delinquency-if Mark McGwire can answer “no comment” to a group of Congressmen, then I can sure use it on a bunch of 8th graders.) Depending on your viewpoint, blame or give credit for this surplus of extracurricular knowledge to 50 Cent and “The O.C.” If we were able to convince our professors we were so clueless, then we’d be living the good life of a middle school student. Book reports on “Where the Red Fern Grows” and a geography project on Egypt sure sound a lot better than your thesis, right? Get to work on convincing your professors you’re overwhelmed by life, and it might pay off in the long run.
Most significantly, the golden rule has been all but forgotten on campus today. For those of you who forget that one, it goes something like this: “Do to others as you want them to do to you.” This rule is almost always followed in the primary schools. Kids share supplies, they lend lunch money, and they have a natural sense of inclusion: you hardly ever see a kid sitting alone at the lunch table. The last time I saw anything approaching the golden rule at college was when I took turns buying pitchers at McMurphy’s. I bought one for the guys, because I wanted to take the next 4 turns off to concentrate on drinking while they bought for me. Somehow, this seems to be a bit of a cynical twist on the rule. Instead of the golden rule being followed, I see people flipping people off as they drive, people puking on the hallway floor, and people sleeping with other people’s girlfriends. Now, you can’t honestly tell me anybody does these things because they want them to be done to them. It seems more likely that college students are operating off of the “do what makes me feel good and screw other people” rule.
Class seems to be the worst part of college life. On the other side of the coin, there’s a reason that younger kids smile when they get to school-it’s a good experience because they play the system right and treat each other right. Let’s take a cue from the kids and keep our dating pressure down, our fingers down, the puke down, and the pants up.
My latest Collegian article, published on Valentine’s Day.
Knowing she’s worth it
by Chris Eckel, Collegian Columnist
February 14, 2005
One of the worst days of my life came on February 14th, 2003. I was still brittle and raw over my recent break-up with my then-girlfriend, so I sat alone in my room watching some awful movie. Except I wasn’t quite alone; my neighbor was with me, or at least her voice. Judging by her tone, she was having sex in her room so loud that it would make Jenna Jameson blush. So now jealousy was going to join my good friend misery and the three of us could hang out. Oh great, life, just twist the knife a little harder. That night lasted longer than the movie “Waterworld.”
I’ve since learned that having a crush you’re afraid to act on is no better than being out of love entirely. I’ve always been a bit of a coward in love. Think about that guy from “Love Actually” who doesn’t tell Keira Knightley that he has a crush on her. She is engaged to his friend, so he knows he has no chance. He tells her that he hid his crush as a form of self-preservation, because he knew if he opened up, he’d end up with a broken heart. And that, in a nutshell, is the approach I’ve taken with this one particular girl I know. For years, I’ve been afraid to tell her how I feel because I’m terrified that she’ll feel differently. Having a dream that I poured myself into be shattered so suddenly might just turn me into a broken ghost of a man.
So, my affection for this lass has become more of a silent obsession. I have an awesome alert on AIM when she signs online so that I can stare at her info in silent awe. She could quote Barney in her profile and I’d still find it profound. Whenever we go to the movies in a group, I always take mental notes about what kind of candy she gets so I can someday get her some chocolate to cheer her up. Rest assured, I also know her favorite Antonio’s slice and favorite mixed drink for those big nights out on the town.
I named one of my pet fish after her – she doesn’t even know I have fish! Right now, it doesn’t matter. Someday, I hope my little beta fish will meet its namesake.
Sometimes, while taking notes in class, I sit wondering about what song I’d whisper in her ear if she gave me the chance. Currently, that song is “Marianne” by Coldplay, but I might find new inspiration. Even worse, I sometimes sit in class and imagine some guy who’s not good enough for her beating me to the punch and cooing the exact same damned song while wrapping his arms around her. Sitting through Math 645: “Ordinary Differential Equations and Developments in Dynamical Systems Theory” is a less painful way to spend 50 minutes.
Speaking of pain, I’ve gone through quite a bit of it for her. I stumbled and slipped my way over to her apartment once in a blizzard to shovel her walkway so she wouldn’t have to worry about doing it. As soon as I had lost the feeling in my nose and decided it was a job well done, I walked away, because I thought she’d freak out at my random kindness. Sweet work-reward ratio, Chris! If Kathie Lee Gifford hears I am willing to work for so little, I might just find myself a post-graduation job – that is, if my frostbitten hands are still nimble enough to sew 4,000 sweatshirts a day. Last summer in Amsterdam, while all my friends were doing the stoned karaoke thing, I sat miserably with my head on the bar because a song that reminded me of her came on. I think everyone just assumed I got a terrible batch of mushrooms, but unrequited love is the ultimate bad trip.
And yet, there’s no way I can possibly convince myself this girl isn’t worth the pain. Nothing great comes without struggle, right? Someday, I’ll tell her how I feel. Someday, she’ll become so happy at what a guy tells her that she’ll finally realizes he’s the one. I can only hope those days end up being the same day and that guy is me. Like today: it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s time to get my answer from my muse, my daydream, my reason to believe in Boyz II Men and “Sleepless in Seattle.” I’m going to track her down sometime today and spill my heart out to her.
To all of you who have equivalent crushes, I suggest you go find that special girl or guy and do the same. Odds are, if he or she likes you, you don’t even need to elaborate as hopelessly as I did. Just mention you’d like to get coffee sometime. If you never try, you’ll always regret not having known what he/she thought. All you’ve got to lose is a front-row seat to your neighbor’s porno set. Good luck bringing a little more love into the world.
Chris Eckel is a Collegian columnist.
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